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YOU may have heard, or indeed read about a charity football match, being played next month, which I am helping to organise.

It is in aid of the South West Children's Hospice, based in Wraxall, near Bristol. There was a launch day a couple of weeks ago attended by local celebrities and sports stars. These included ex- Bristol and England rugby player Mark Regan, former Gloucestershire and England cricketer Syd Lawrence, and boxers Glen Catley and Jane Couch. All of them said that it was an honour to help this cause, and also to meet me!

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I am on a small committee organising the event, which is taking place at the Hand Stadium, Clevedon, on Sunday, March 21. The two main men, though, putting in a lot of work, are Mark Walker and Mark Jakeways. Mark Walker is a landscape gardener and has helped create lovely gardens at the hospice. I am not sure if he ever played football. I say this, because at the launch day, someone Replica Hamilton passed a ball to him, and everyone wondered if he was going to kick it, or plant it!

Mark Jakeways is the real driving force behind this charity event - if he's not on the phone to someone then he's on the computer emailing people. Mark has played football to a reasonable standard, I just haven't seen it! We have played a few five-a-side games together, I use the term 'played' very loosely. The only time I saw him move with any conviction was when someone lobbed him a bib to put on - he obviously thought we were going to have a meal!

These charity occasions could not happen without sponsors offering financial help. I am lucky that a few friends, who I have met through playing football, have dug deep to support this fantastic cause.

Scaffolders Gary Sykes and Johnny Boyce, who each have their own businesses, readily offer to help, along with another pal, Mike Nichols. Gary was a very skilful player in his younger days, rumour has it that he was the second-best player in Lockleaze School's Under-11s team.

John, I heard, had the opportunity to become a Premiership player, on thousands TAG Heuer Watch of pounds a week.

Apparently though, he decided to turn it down, as he could earn more money in scaffolding! I have known Mike many years, and although I have seen him watching football, I can't recall him ever playing. He certainly likes following the fashion favoured by footballers. In his younger days he sported the Kevin Keegan curly perm look, and these days it's the flashy cars and the expensive bling that Mike is seen in.

If anyone wants to contribute in to this event, visit >

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today's highlights

ON THE AIR

AHL Norfolk at Binghamton, 6:50 p.m., 1310 AM

Auto racing NASCAR, Nationwide Series, pole qualifying for Sam's Town 300, noon., SPEED

* NASCAR, Sprint Cup, practice for Shelby American, 1:30 p.m., SPEED

* NASCAR, Sprint Cup, "Happy Hour Series," final practice for Shelby American, 2:30 p.m., SPEED

* NASCAR, Nationwide Series, Sam's Town 300, 4:30 p.m., ESPN2

Boxing Mike Jones vs. Henry Bruseles, 10 p.m., CSN

Golf LPGA, HSBC Women's Champions, third round, 1 p.m.#, TGC

* PGA Tour, Phoenix Open, third round, 4 p.m., TGC

Men's college basketball Michigan at Ohio State, noon, ESPN

* Northeastern at George Mason, noon, ESPN2

* Pittsburgh at St. John's, noon, MASN

* Boston College at Georgia Tech, noon, CSN

* Kentucky at Tennessee, noon, WTKR

* Vanderbilt at Arkansas, 1:30 p.m., WSKY

* North Carolina at Wake Forest, 1:45 p.m., 1310 AM; 2 p.m., WTKR

* Texas at Texas A&M, 2 p.m., ESPN

* Mississippi at Alabama, 2 p.m., ESPN2

* Cinncinati at West Virginia, 2 p.m., MASN

* Arizona State at California, 3 p.m., Cox 11

* Virginia Commonwealth at Old Dominion, 3:30 p.m., 94.1 FM; 4 p.m., CSN

* DePaul at Rutgers, 4 p.m., ESPNU

* Kansas at Oklahoma, 4 p.m., WTKR

* New Mexico at BYU, 4 p.m., VERSUS

* Maryland at Virginia Tech, 3:30 p.m., 790 AM; 4 p.m., WTVZ

* Winthrop at Radford, 4 p.m., MASN

* Norfolk State at Morgan State, 4 p.m., 91.1 FM

* Mississippi State at South Carolina, 6 p.m., ESPN

* UNC-Charlotte at George Washington, 6 p.m., MASN

* Drexel at James Madison, 6:30 p.m., 94.1 FM

Fake Louis Vuitton * UMass at Dayton, 7 p.m., CSN

* Illinois State at N. Iowa, 8 p.m., ESPN2

* Missouri at Kansas State, 8 p.m., ESPNU

* William & Mary at UNC-Wilmington, 8 p.m., MASN

* Villanova at Syracuse, 9 p.m., ESPN

* Fresno State at San Jose State, 10 p.m., ESPNU

* Texas Tech at Nebraska, midnight,#, MASN

Motorsports AMA Supercross, 7:30 p.m., SPEED

NBA Chicago at Indiana, 7 p.m., WGN

NBA DL Bakersfield at Austin, 11 p.m., VERSUS

Rodeo PBR, Enterprise Rent-A-Car Invitational, 8 p.m., VERSUS

Soccer Premier League, Chelsea at Manchester City, 7:30 a.m., ESPN2

Women's college basketball Norfolk State at Morgan State, 2 p.m., 91.1 FM

* Hamilton Replica Watches Georgetown at Connecticut, 10 p.m.#, MASN

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THE men's section at Normanby Hall played the February monthly medal over a 16 hole course.

Winner of group 0-12 was Richard Whiteley with nett 63, while group 13 to 18 saw Lee Barber win with nett 57 and Phil Medley took the 19-28 with nett 54.

The seniors played round five of the Telegraph Shield, also over 16 holes.

The winner was Tommy Hill with 37 Chloe Fake Handbags points, ahead of Terence Raynes (35) and Richard Carton (34).

Hill again came Omega Watches out tops in round seven of the Trophy World competition with 36 points, pipping Len Porter on a card count. Third was Bill Sharp (33).

Twenty ladies played a Texas Scramble, with a winning foursome of Jill Ridley, Pauline Hennessey, Marie Drinkall and Sue Brown scoring a nett 40.

The February Stableford attracted 14 ladies, playing over 16 holes.

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Joanne Oxby was the winner with 34 points from Trish Baggaley (33) and Jill Ridley (30).

The juniors also played their February medal, also on a short course, with Olly Kirman winning with a nett 59 from Jonathan Peters (63).

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Kevin Smith is known for his subversive little low-budget comedies, mostly about immature young men who are obsessed with cultural trivia. And also every aspect of the sex act. And also drugs. So perhaps it's understandable that Smith didn't understand that, when he made his first big-budget studio film -- a buddy comedy called Cop Out -- it was supposed to feature guys who could somehow be taken for buddies, and that it should also be, at least in some respects, a comedy.

None of that is in Cop Out, though: This is a throwback to films like Beverly Hills Cop and Lethal Weapon, movies in which an explosive white guy and a funny brochure printing black guy solved crimes, traded quips, chased cars, broke laws and made billions at the box office. None of that in Cop Out either, I suspect.

The movie is a kind of homage. You can tell because in an early scene, Paul (30 Rock's Tracy Morgan) tells his partner Jimmy (Bruce Willis) that he wants to question their current suspect, and that he will do it by paying homage to old movies. He then quotes lines from several films SEmD Heat, Training Day, Star Wars, Schindler's List ---- to the baffled criminal, and don't worry if you don't get them all, because Jimmy sits outside the interrogation room and says, "Heat?," or "Schindler's List?," as the occasion requires. Paul also mispronounces "homage," which is, in a way, perfect.

There's a plot here, of sorts: Jimmy, who's divorced, doesn't have the money to pay for the wedding of his daughter, and if he can't, her stepfather (Jason Lee, playing the straight guy) will do so. This would be too much for Jimmy to bear, for some reason: It's difficult to tell, because Willis's distant performance doesn't allow for much in the way of acting. The actor appears to have signed up for Cop Out by mistake, and he compensates by falling back on the default Willis expression, the smirk, to convey a variety of emotions. You'd smirk too if you were being paid for this.

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Anyway, to pay for the wedding, Jimmy will have to sell his valuable mint Andy Pafko baseball card (Pafko was No. 1 in the 1952 Topps baseball set, so his card typically has rubber-band marks on it). But when the card is stolen, Jimmy and Paul have to track it down, which leads them to the local Mexican drug lord (Guillermo Diaz). As a matter of cultural trivia -- the kind of thing the old Kevin Smith would have done more with -- the movie tells us that Mexicans are now funnelling their drugs through Toronto, because it's an easier border to get through. Guess they haven't tried to take a bottle of water past Pearson airport security lately.

Smith has no idea how to stage any of this for laughs or excitement. He's best when he falls back on his old juvenilia: Seann William Scott steals the picture as a yappy burglar who tells knock-knock jokes and plays that game where he repeats everything you say at the same time that you say it. Scott's cockeyed grin of stupid mischief is the best thing about Cop Out. You have been warned.

-- Canwest News Service

Other Voices

Selected excerpts from reviews of Cop Out, starring Bruce Willis.

A movie that makes little sense, is dumb when it's not being stupid and yet is still at times laugh-out-loud funny.

-- Bill Goodykoontz, Arizona Republic

Definitely has its amusing moments, but ultimately all that improvised shtick gets mighty tired without any real break in the non-action.

-- Michael Rechtshaffen, Hollywood Reporter

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